Thursday is here! Today was my second weigh in. This week I didnt do as well as I wanted to. I only lost 1.2 lbs. I am at 319.0 even this morning but when I went to the Dr today, he weighed me at 318.8. Pretty close huh? heehee
While I was there he said that my blood pressure went from 162/96 (the first time I went) and today it was 130/90. He said my top number is great but my bottom is still a little high. He asked if I have been taking my meds and I said no... I ALWAYS FORGET. They are sitting next to my tooth brush so there is really no reason I shouldnt take them accept the fact that I think its a mental thing cause Im not a pill person. He asked how long its been since I took them. I was honest "well, about 4 weeks now". I got "a look", but then he looked at the numbers again and decided that my blood pressure is coming down with my weight loss determination and dedication. He told me NOT TO TAKE THE MEDS ANYMORE!!! I was very happy about that. His excitement about the 12 lb loss since I last saw him made me excited. :-) LOVE MY DOCTOR! He said that I lost an inch in my waist (my waist is the only thing he measures). That was all in the last 2 weeks of my efforts. 1" doesnt seem like much but he was VERY happy about it.
This was another trying few days. I still regularly see my mother dying in my head. I have decided that I can classify it as a "haunting"... in my mind of course. When I close my eyes, I see her. When I drive, I see her. When I hear certain songs, I see her. I see her in everything I do and I pray that eventually that memory will fade and let my better memories take over. At this point I feel more anger towards her and I hate being mad at my dead mother but I dont know how to stop. Im wondering if its getting close to counseling time.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friggin Fathers Day
Fathers Day... yea right! Pffft! Not to knock all the fathers out there but from my experience... PPPFFFFTTTT!!!!
Fathers Day... My Mom was my Mom & DAD. My father was absent while I was growing up and never tried to contact us kids. Even as an adult, after I found him, he never wanted much to do with me but did want a relationship with my brother. I remember when he told me I was to much like my mother, which by the way I took as a compliment. I would have much rather been more like a beautiful, educated, hard working woman than a drunken redneck; any day! I guess you can say that I somewhat had a "ornamental Dad". There was my step dad who came into my life when I was 15 but was more like the enemy in a sense. If I did anything that could be considered wrong in any way... he would hold on to the piece of info until he was good and mad at me and just blurt everything to my mother which in return, I was regularly punished. He would exaggerate things to make them sound really bad... example "Michelle snuck out and was having sex with a boy in a car in front of the house, I saw the car moving"... WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?! I did sneak out and I did sit with a boy in the car and we talked for about an hour... as for sex in a car... UH... NO!!! Augh... he was the kind that was never nice to me unless he wanted something from me or I could benefit him in some way. So I left home when I turned 17 because I couldn't deal with him anymore.
Since Mom was also Dad, yesterday was another hard one for me. My every thought was about my mother.
All I can see when I think of her, is her laying in that bed at the hospital... dying. On the news last night there was this woman talking about her mother and how she walked into the YMCA and just collapsed. The staff was able to save her life by pumping her chest (like CPR). She had suffered a heart attack and she lived through it. The lady was standing there with her Mom talking about how grateful she was that they knew what to do and saved her Mom's life. Why couldn't I have been that lucky?!?! I was so angry, I laid on my husbands chest and just cried while he rubbed my back in an attempt to console me the only way he knows how. Ive been so mad at myself and other family members for not knowing what to do that night. I feel that if we did.. we could have saved her. That thought alone kills my soul. Im so knowledgeable about so many things in life... how did that escape me??
I was an emotional wreck all day yesterday so my eating was way off whack. I had ice cream like 4 times!!!! (we all know ice cream is my comfort food). I think that was the only thing I did bad. I didnt over eat at meals or anything... just had to much ice cream i suppose. Also, I wasnt active yesterday. All I wanted to do was lay around and doze off from time to time. The day started off kinda right but as it went along, the lazier I became. I got up, went to Moms grave and took her some flowers and decorative stuff. After we left I just went home. I watched a movie and then went to the grocery store, came home, cleaned house, made dinner and just laid around the rest of the night. I guess I wasnt completely lazy but I felt that I didnt do anything to really benefit myself. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.
Im pretty sure the fact that my husband was laid off, AGAIN, on Friday didnt help my mood either. Just so tired of the same old song and dance.
Im trying to stay on track today. I had my coffee and bagel for breakfast. I brought my lunch but I didnt bring any veggies or fruits... sigh. Ill get it together soon Im sure.
Fathers Day... My Mom was my Mom & DAD. My father was absent while I was growing up and never tried to contact us kids. Even as an adult, after I found him, he never wanted much to do with me but did want a relationship with my brother. I remember when he told me I was to much like my mother, which by the way I took as a compliment. I would have much rather been more like a beautiful, educated, hard working woman than a drunken redneck; any day! I guess you can say that I somewhat had a "ornamental Dad". There was my step dad who came into my life when I was 15 but was more like the enemy in a sense. If I did anything that could be considered wrong in any way... he would hold on to the piece of info until he was good and mad at me and just blurt everything to my mother which in return, I was regularly punished. He would exaggerate things to make them sound really bad... example "Michelle snuck out and was having sex with a boy in a car in front of the house, I saw the car moving"... WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?! I did sneak out and I did sit with a boy in the car and we talked for about an hour... as for sex in a car... UH... NO!!! Augh... he was the kind that was never nice to me unless he wanted something from me or I could benefit him in some way. So I left home when I turned 17 because I couldn't deal with him anymore.
Since Mom was also Dad, yesterday was another hard one for me. My every thought was about my mother.
All I can see when I think of her, is her laying in that bed at the hospital... dying. On the news last night there was this woman talking about her mother and how she walked into the YMCA and just collapsed. The staff was able to save her life by pumping her chest (like CPR). She had suffered a heart attack and she lived through it. The lady was standing there with her Mom talking about how grateful she was that they knew what to do and saved her Mom's life. Why couldn't I have been that lucky?!?! I was so angry, I laid on my husbands chest and just cried while he rubbed my back in an attempt to console me the only way he knows how. Ive been so mad at myself and other family members for not knowing what to do that night. I feel that if we did.. we could have saved her. That thought alone kills my soul. Im so knowledgeable about so many things in life... how did that escape me??
I was an emotional wreck all day yesterday so my eating was way off whack. I had ice cream like 4 times!!!! (we all know ice cream is my comfort food). I think that was the only thing I did bad. I didnt over eat at meals or anything... just had to much ice cream i suppose. Also, I wasnt active yesterday. All I wanted to do was lay around and doze off from time to time. The day started off kinda right but as it went along, the lazier I became. I got up, went to Moms grave and took her some flowers and decorative stuff. After we left I just went home. I watched a movie and then went to the grocery store, came home, cleaned house, made dinner and just laid around the rest of the night. I guess I wasnt completely lazy but I felt that I didnt do anything to really benefit myself. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.
Im pretty sure the fact that my husband was laid off, AGAIN, on Friday didnt help my mood either. Just so tired of the same old song and dance.
Im trying to stay on track today. I had my coffee and bagel for breakfast. I brought my lunch but I didnt bring any veggies or fruits... sigh. Ill get it together soon Im sure.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Its finally the weekend!!!
So Ive been reading posts from people regarding the 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels, so I bit the bullet lastnight and picked one up at walmart along with a mat and 3lb dumb bells. 3 pounds??? Seriously?! What is that supposed to do for me? Im a 300something pound woman! I dont know what 3 lbs is supposed to do... pfft! I was going to start the video lastnight but after not using the DVD player for a long time, the remote was missing and I couldnt get the stupid cursor thing to move to play so my husband had to go buy a remote to program the the DVD player and we didnt get done with everything til 10pm. At that time I was so tired I just took a shower and went to bed. BUT I am going to start it tonight even though Im nervous about someone walking in on me doing it.
Its finally the weekend. Ive been ready for it all week! Im so tired of sitting at my desk all day and to top it off ITS BEEN SLOW. I get bored so easily so slow days are torture for me. At this point I have nothing big planned for the weekend although it seems that I have a full weekend booked. Im hoping that I can stay on track with making good decisions because I tend to make snap decisions if Im in a hurry.
I started this blog to talk about my weight loss issues but I do feel that maybe it would help me if I talked about life issues as well, so... with that said, I really want to talk about my Mom for a second... (forgive me.. this is just random thoughts/feels)... I MISS HER SO MUCH!!! I told my husband lastnight that the world literally doesnt feel right without her here. I would have never guessed that I would be 31 years old and both of my parents would be dead. Call me crazy but I was looking forward to the day that I moved her into my home and took care of her. If anyone has ever seen the movie "Langoliers by Steven King"... my heart feels like that. Almost like something has just ate part of my world and I feel like one day Im going to move the wrong direction and just fall off into a black hole. I think thats a weird terminology but thats literally what it feels like right now. My Mom was me best friend and I talked to her about everything in the world and now... I cant. I found a video on my phone that has a snippet of her voice and when I heard her voice, I just cried. I would give anything in the world to have one more talk with her. A part of me is angry with her too. Angry that she left, angry that she left me with such a huge mess to clean upm angry that she didnt take care of her self. My Mom was the least selfish person I have ever met and she took care of so many others and no one took care of her. It makes me mad at her that she let people (in my opinion) take advantage of her. OK.... enough of all this.. Im starting to cry. Everyone says that writing and blogging will help me get through all this.. I sure hope they are right but right now I just cry.
Well, thats it for today. I probably wont blog again until Monday. Wish me luck with the weekend.
Its finally the weekend. Ive been ready for it all week! Im so tired of sitting at my desk all day and to top it off ITS BEEN SLOW. I get bored so easily so slow days are torture for me. At this point I have nothing big planned for the weekend although it seems that I have a full weekend booked. Im hoping that I can stay on track with making good decisions because I tend to make snap decisions if Im in a hurry.
I started this blog to talk about my weight loss issues but I do feel that maybe it would help me if I talked about life issues as well, so... with that said, I really want to talk about my Mom for a second... (forgive me.. this is just random thoughts/feels)... I MISS HER SO MUCH!!! I told my husband lastnight that the world literally doesnt feel right without her here. I would have never guessed that I would be 31 years old and both of my parents would be dead. Call me crazy but I was looking forward to the day that I moved her into my home and took care of her. If anyone has ever seen the movie "Langoliers by Steven King"... my heart feels like that. Almost like something has just ate part of my world and I feel like one day Im going to move the wrong direction and just fall off into a black hole. I think thats a weird terminology but thats literally what it feels like right now. My Mom was me best friend and I talked to her about everything in the world and now... I cant. I found a video on my phone that has a snippet of her voice and when I heard her voice, I just cried. I would give anything in the world to have one more talk with her. A part of me is angry with her too. Angry that she left, angry that she left me with such a huge mess to clean upm angry that she didnt take care of her self. My Mom was the least selfish person I have ever met and she took care of so many others and no one took care of her. It makes me mad at her that she let people (in my opinion) take advantage of her. OK.... enough of all this.. Im starting to cry. Everyone says that writing and blogging will help me get through all this.. I sure hope they are right but right now I just cry.
Well, thats it for today. I probably wont blog again until Monday. Wish me luck with the weekend.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Official weigh in... after 1 week
Today was my official weigh in after 1 whole week. Although I didn't do bad AT ALL.. I hate that the numbers didn't change since my last post; however, I am down 6.8 pounds in just one week.
I did face some challenges this week:
1. My feet hurt - I'm assuming from working out but I didn't stop working out at all. Every day (but one), I was swimming, at the gym or playing racquetball at the rec center.
2. MY pride hurt - each time I went to the gym there were a bunch of tiny prissy girls in there working out. I just never looked their way. It felt as if they were watching me though. I think it kept me from trying other things in the gym but I did my cardio and went home.
3. I was emotional this week - My mother's death is taking a big toll on me. All I can think about is her and when I am emotional, I always want that dreaded ice cream. I did have ice cream this week... only once though and it was the skinny cow ice cream. :-)
The motivation was pretty easy though. That was the good thing about this week. Since Ive been on Myfitnesspal.com it seems I have met so many people in my same position. Each day there is a message from someone that is positive and congratulating me on something. I really like it.
I learned that I really like racquetball however I prefer to play with my husband as opposed to the kids. My husband is quite competitive and keeps me moving. The kids.. they are always hitting the ball wrong it rolls on the floor or they don't hit it hard enough to get to the wall or whatever; meaning most of the time we are having to stop and pick the ball up, and re-serve it. I think that I'm going to have them spend time in other areas while my husband and I play.
That's pretty much been my week. I'm very proud of myself for staying dedicated this week. In all honesty, I wasn't ready for all this when I started last week but I MADE myself get up and move and eat much better. I must say, its only been a week and I'm already sleeping better and I'm in an even better mood through the day. Lets see what will happen at the end of week 2.
I did face some challenges this week:
1. My feet hurt - I'm assuming from working out but I didn't stop working out at all. Every day (but one), I was swimming, at the gym or playing racquetball at the rec center.
2. MY pride hurt - each time I went to the gym there were a bunch of tiny prissy girls in there working out. I just never looked their way. It felt as if they were watching me though. I think it kept me from trying other things in the gym but I did my cardio and went home.
3. I was emotional this week - My mother's death is taking a big toll on me. All I can think about is her and when I am emotional, I always want that dreaded ice cream. I did have ice cream this week... only once though and it was the skinny cow ice cream. :-)
The motivation was pretty easy though. That was the good thing about this week. Since Ive been on Myfitnesspal.com it seems I have met so many people in my same position. Each day there is a message from someone that is positive and congratulating me on something. I really like it.
I learned that I really like racquetball however I prefer to play with my husband as opposed to the kids. My husband is quite competitive and keeps me moving. The kids.. they are always hitting the ball wrong it rolls on the floor or they don't hit it hard enough to get to the wall or whatever; meaning most of the time we are having to stop and pick the ball up, and re-serve it. I think that I'm going to have them spend time in other areas while my husband and I play.
That's pretty much been my week. I'm very proud of myself for staying dedicated this week. In all honesty, I wasn't ready for all this when I started last week but I MADE myself get up and move and eat much better. I must say, its only been a week and I'm already sleeping better and I'm in an even better mood through the day. Lets see what will happen at the end of week 2.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
What What??
Maybe its better that I post more regularly than once a week. Mostly because I struggle with so many different areas in life... including my weight problems. Blogging is supposed to help me with all that... right?
Well, Yesterday was my mid week weigh in (I like to do that for a while.. until plateaus of course. HA!) and I was down to 323. Thats a loss of 3.8 pounds!!!! I tend to develop a scale obsession when I am dieting. Some people say its bad to do this but I say everyone is different. For me, it holds me accountable EACH DAY and I also like to know what my body is up to and how it is responding to what Im feeding it and the activity that I do.
So, this morning I stepped on the scale.. yes again. Here is what it said:
Well, Yesterday was my mid week weigh in (I like to do that for a while.. until plateaus of course. HA!) and I was down to 323. Thats a loss of 3.8 pounds!!!! I tend to develop a scale obsession when I am dieting. Some people say its bad to do this but I say everyone is different. For me, it holds me accountable EACH DAY and I also like to know what my body is up to and how it is responding to what Im feeding it and the activity that I do.
So, this morning I stepped on the scale.. yes again. Here is what it said:
Is that possible??? To go from 327 to 320.6 in less than a week?? Weigh in on Thursday should be interesting huh??
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Week 1
I guess Im going to start with Calorie counting this week. Last year when I started losing weight, I was on Weight Watchers old plan but I hear they have changed it around alot and I dont have the time to learn a new program.
I literally just took these pictures as a visual for me and anyone else who feels the need to support me or be supported. Im going to work on different pictures this evening to give a better visual. Im sure hoping these images change because I hear that I would have to lose alot before I will see a difference. I am also going to take measurements as well when I get home.
I literally just took these pictures as a visual for me and anyone else who feels the need to support me or be supported. Im going to work on different pictures this evening to give a better visual. Im sure hoping these images change because I hear that I would have to lose alot before I will see a difference. I am also going to take measurements as well when I get home.
Weight: 327 lbs
Waist:
Stomach:
Legs:
Arms:
Top 10's...
10 Things that are hard for me to do...
10. Walking quickly
9. Ride the rides at an amusement park
8. Taking a shower and drying off
7. Ride rides at a waterpark
6. Getting out of bed
5. Walking up stairs
4. Breathing after walking
3. Find comfortable clothing
2. Be in a picture
1. Look at myself in the mirror
10 Things that Hurt most
10. Knees
9. Feet
8. Lower back
7. Hips
6. Upper back
5. Head
4. Stomach/Abdomen
3. Pride
2. Feelings
1. Heart
10. Walking quickly
9. Ride the rides at an amusement park
8. Taking a shower and drying off
7. Ride rides at a waterpark
6. Getting out of bed
5. Walking up stairs
4. Breathing after walking
3. Find comfortable clothing
2. Be in a picture
1. Look at myself in the mirror
10 Things that Hurt most
10. Knees
9. Feet
8. Lower back
7. Hips
6. Upper back
5. Head
4. Stomach/Abdomen
3. Pride
2. Feelings
1. Heart
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