Friggin Fathers Day

Fathers Day... yea right! Pffft! Not to knock all the fathers out there but from my experience... PPPFFFFTTTT!!!!

Fathers Day... My Mom was my Mom & DAD. My father was absent while I was growing up and never tried to contact us kids. Even as an adult, after I found him, he never wanted much to do with me but did want a relationship with my brother. I remember when he told me I was to much like my mother, which by the way I took as a compliment. I would have much rather been more like a beautiful, educated, hard working woman than a drunken redneck; any day!  I guess you can say that I somewhat had a "ornamental Dad". There was my step dad who came into my life when I was 15 but was more like the enemy in a sense. If I did anything that could be considered wrong in any way... he would hold on to the piece of info until he was good and mad at me and just blurt everything to my mother which in return, I was regularly punished. He would exaggerate things to make them sound really bad... example "Michelle snuck out and was having sex with a boy in a car in front of the house, I saw the car moving"... WHAT?!?!?! REALLY?!?! I did sneak out and I did sit with a boy in the car and we talked for about an hour... as for sex in a car... UH... NO!!! Augh... he was the kind that was never nice to me unless he wanted something from me or I could benefit him in some way. So I left home when I turned 17 because I couldn't deal with him anymore.

Since Mom was also Dad, yesterday was another hard one for me. My every thought was about my mother.
All I can see when I think of her, is her laying in that bed at the hospital... dying. On the news last night there was this woman talking about her mother and how she walked into the YMCA and just collapsed. The staff was able to save her life by pumping her chest (like CPR). She had suffered a heart attack and she lived through it. The lady was standing there with her Mom talking about how grateful she was that they knew what to do and saved her Mom's life. Why couldn't I have been that lucky?!?! I was so angry, I laid on my husbands chest and just cried while he rubbed my back in an attempt to console me the only way he knows how. Ive been so mad at myself and other family members for not knowing what to do that night. I feel that if we did.. we could have saved her. That thought alone kills my soul. Im so knowledgeable about so many things in life... how did that escape me??

I was an emotional wreck all day yesterday so my eating was way off whack. I had ice cream like 4 times!!!! (we all know ice cream is my comfort food). I think that was the only thing I did bad. I didnt over eat at meals or anything... just had to much ice cream i suppose. Also, I wasnt active yesterday. All I wanted to do was lay around and doze off from time to time. The day started off kinda right but as it went along, the lazier I became. I got up, went to Moms grave and took her some flowers and decorative stuff. After we left I just went home. I watched a movie and then went to the grocery store, came home, cleaned house, made dinner and just laid around the rest of the night. I guess I wasnt completely lazy but I felt that I didnt do anything to really benefit myself. I just wanted to crawl in a hole.

Im pretty sure the fact that my husband was laid off, AGAIN, on Friday didnt help my mood either. Just so tired of the same old song and dance.

Im trying to stay on track today. I had my coffee and bagel for breakfast. I brought my lunch but I didnt bring any veggies or fruits... sigh. Ill get it together soon Im sure.